Thursday, November 20, 2008

After careful consideration, I chose Patty as this week's match challenge.

Patty writes: "Some of the things I mostly enjoy in life is eating."

The obvious choice, in my professional opinion, amongst a herd of candidates,
was Phil.

I interviewed Phil
at his home in
Little Rock, Arkansas.

Harvey: So, Phil, you're into boating, are you?

Phil: Oh, yes. Boating is several of the things I for the most part find pleasure in.

H: Um, what are the things you like about it?

P: Oh, just one.

H: OK, what is that?

P: I like to be on the water at twilight and watch the moon rise.

H: And the tide, I expect.

P: Actually, I'm a lake person. It's very romantic.

H: Still. So your vessel accommodates a woman also?

P: No. I've got a little dinghy. I just mean romantic in the adventurous sense.

H: I see.

P: I could stay out there 'til the cows come home.

H: Yes, well, about your date.

P: Oh, yeah. I want you to know I appreciate your efforts, Harvey, but you should know I'm kinda picky about the women I date. I'm willing to give you a shot, though.

H: Well, Phil, that's big of you.

P:I'm a bit of a psychology phenom, you know. I can tell a great deal about a person from casual conversation.

H: Just from chewing the fat.

P: That's right. Now tell me exactly what this woman wrote in her profile.

H: Well? Let's see. I've got it here. OK, she said, and I quote, "Some of the things I mostly enjoy in life is eating."

P: All right. First and foremost, she's fat.

H: You think?

P: Yeah, but she's not happy about it. See how she says mostly enjoys it? It's understatement. She's embarrassed about her love of food. There's a little insecurity there.

H: That's bad, huh?

P: No, that's good. It'll be easy to convince her to give me her desserts.

H: So you've got that going for you. She's got her own boat, too.

P: How big is she?

H: Oh, I'd say a little smaller than you.

P: That's good. I don't like women bigger than I am.

H: Oh, I thought you meant the boat. No, she's a lot smaller.

P: And she still has that insecurity about her weight. Go figure.

H: It went. So do you eat out a lot, Phil?

P: Are you serious? Who could afford it? And there's never enough to eat.

H: Well, how about an all-you-can-eat buffet?

P: I'm talking about them.

H: Oh.

P: You know what the worst thing about being big is?

H: What?

P: Shopping. It's hard to find stores that cater to my size.

H: Have you tried Farmers Market?

P: They sell clothes?

H: Oh, clothes.

P: I gave up. I make my own now. I made these pants. Whaddaya think? Not everybody can wear this tint.

H: How many did it sleep?

P: What? Do you like the color?

H: Oh, I thought you said...never mind. So, Phil, here's the deal. Patty would like to entertain you on her boat. Would you like that?

P: Yeah, OK. She won't be happy on my little dinghy, that's for sure.

H: Well, I don't get into those aspects of the date, but try to be more optimistic. I'm sure she'll love you like a rare piece of ham.

P: What does that mean?

H: If you can find it, grind it? Sorry, I was being fatuous. Listen, maybe you should see a movie instead.

P: Any suggestions?

H: Oh, I dunno. Grazing Arizona?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

This week I have chosen Gina, who writes:

"I want to find serious relations. And I want to create a family. I am romantic person. If you want to chat with me you can write me and I will answer you."

My match for Gina is Jackie Ho Chung, originally from Hong Kong, now living in Cleveland.

Jackie responds:

"You make noise like nice woman. I am romantic person two. I will make nice dinner and light candles. You will be set on fire. If you want two half dinner with me I will ask you and you will answer me.

I half six brothers and four sisters. They will half romantic dinner with us. If they like you they will tell me and you can clean the kitchen.

I half mother who live with me. My father live nearby in cemetery. He live there three years ago. My mother cry all the time. If you want two think of marriage I will invite you and you will meet her at our house. If she like you you can clean it.

I am spiritual person. I go two House of Rising Moon and listen two spiritual things. My brothers and sisters not spiritual people. They go to House of Pancakes. If you are spiritual person you must half dress and we will enjoy Rising Moon.

I am believe in respect for women. Relations with women much better that way. When you half spoken I will half listen.

I want two half bride and want two half children. If you want husband and want two half children with me you must bend over to be good wife.

I want lot of what marriage half to offer so I will start giving you my number and you can start giving me your number two."

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

This week I have performed yet another matchmaking marvel. It was difficult choosing from the vast array of fascinating women in this week's profile, but I chose Rachel. Rachel writes:

Good oral and clean personal hygiene are a must.

My keen instincts led me to Bruce.

Bruce came out of the closet a couple of years ago and just kept right on walking into heterosexuality. Bruce is surprisingly clear and convincing about his decision to date women, and I think he is perfect for Rachel. I interviewed Bruce at his Fire Island loft.

Harvey: I must say, Bruce, your housekeeping habits put me to shame.

Bruce: Oh, you silly. As if I couldn't tell you were a slob by looking at you.

H: What?

B: When's the last time you polished the bottoms of your shoes, for Pete's sake?

H: You polish the bottoms of your shoes?
B: Oh my goodness. What if I were in an accident and had to be taken to the hospital?

H: I would think polishing the bottoms of your shoes would increase the likelihood.

B: OH! I just got that. Ooo, you're a sly one, you are. But funny, I like that.

H: Well, thanks.

B: Would you like to see the bathroom?

H: Excuse me?

B: Well you said cleanliness was very important to this woman you have for me, I thought you'd need to verify that. Very few men can clean a bathroom and make it truly clean. Except military men. They're trained. Plus, they can really scrub. All those muscles.

H: Oh, I don't think...

B: Would you excuse me for a moment? I am in desperate need of flossing. I had a glass of water just before you arrived and I think some is stuck between my teeth.

H: Gee, I'm kind of on a tight schedule, Bruce.

B: Of course. I understand.

H: So tell me Bruce, did you start out heterosexual and you're going back to it, or is this a new thing for you?

B: My goodness, this gunk between my teeth is really irritating.

H: From the water?

B: I'm very sensitive. No, this will be a first. But my last partner was such a pig. All men are pigs, don't you think?

H: Well, I...

B: You're a pig. Come on. You know it. Piggy piggy piggy.

H: How long ago did you and...

B: Charlie. About two years ago. I haven't really been out since. I used to go to Mickey's quite a bit. It's a mixed crowd. Before I came out of the closet I used to meet people there.

H: In the closet?

B: At Mickey's, silly. Harvey, one of your shoelaces is untied. Shall I tie it for you?

H: What? No. I'll do it.

B: OK, but try not to touch the carpet.

H: With my shoelace?

B: No, with your hands. They don't smell very clean.

H: You can sm...never mind.

B: Why don't you go wash up a little. The bathroom is the second door on the right, and the vacuum cleaner is in the corner.
H: Vacuum cleaner?

B: You do vacuum first, don't you?

H: Before I wash my hands?

B: You're just going to touch my soap with those hands?

H: You use a vacuum on your body?

B: It feels wonderful. I love my vacuum cleaner.

H: Yes, I can see you have a special attachment for it. Listen, Bruce. I think my work is done here. I'll be looking forward to hearing about your first date with Rachel.

B: You're leaving? With those hands?

H: I'd take yours, but how would you floss?

B: Well, it was wonderful for you to come all the way up from Atlanta, all dirty and everything. I'll get the mop for you.

H: You mean the door.

B: Yes, of course. Bye Harvey. Say hi to my dog on the way out. He's should be in the driveway about now.

H: What's his name?
B: Sparkle. That's him over there.