Harvey Wallbanger Unleashed

After careful consideration, I chose Patty as this week's match challenge.

Patty writes: "Some of the things I mostly enjoy in life is eating."

The obvious choice, in my professional opinion, amongst a herd of candidates,
was Phil.

I interviewed Phil
at his home in
Little Rock, Arkansas.





Harvey: So, Phil, you're into boating, are you?

Phil: Oh, yes. Boating is several of the things I for the most part find pleasure in.

H: Um, what are the things you like about it?

P: Oh, just one.

H: OK, what is that?

P: I like to be on the water at twilight and watch the moon rise.

H: And the tide, I expect.

P: Actually, I'm a lake person. It's very romantic.

H: Still. So your vessel accommodates a woman also?

P: No. I've got a little dinghy. I just mean romantic in the adventurous sense.

H: I see.

P: I could stay out there 'til the cows come home.

H: Yes, well, about your date.

P: Oh, yeah. I want you to know I appreciate your efforts, Harvey, but you should know I'm kinda picky about the women I date. I'm willing to give you a shot, though.

H: Well, Phil, that's big of you.

P:I'm a bit of a psychology phenom, you know. I can tell a great deal about a person from casual conversation.

H: Just from chewing the fat.

P: That's right. Now tell me exactly what this woman wrote in her profile.

H: Well? Let's see. I've got it here. OK, she said, and I quote, "Some of the things I mostly enjoy in life is eating."

P: All right. First and foremost, she's fat.

H: You think?

P: Yeah, but she's not happy about it. See how she says mostly enjoys it? It's understatement. She's embarrassed about her love of food. There's a little insecurity there.

H: That's bad, huh?

P: No, that's good. It'll be easy to convince her to give me her desserts.

H: So you've got that going for you. She's got her own boat, too.

P: How big is she?

H: Oh, I'd say a little smaller than you.

P: That's good. I don't like women bigger than I am.

H: Oh, I thought you meant the boat. No, she's a lot smaller.

P: And she still has that insecurity about her weight. Go figure.

H: It went. So do you eat out a lot, Phil?

P: Are you serious? Who could afford it? And there's never enough to eat.

H: Well, how about an all-you-can-eat buffet?

P: I'm talking about them.

H: Oh.

P: You know what the worst thing about being big is?

H: What?

P: Shopping. It's hard to find stores that cater to my size.

H: Have you tried Farmers Market?

P: They sell clothes?

H: Oh, clothes.

P: I gave up. I make my own now. I made these pants. Whaddaya think? Not everybody can wear this tint.

H: How many did it sleep?

P: What? Do you like the color?

H: Oh, I thought you said...never mind. So, Phil, here's the deal. Patty would like to entertain you on her boat. Would you like that?

P: Yeah, OK. She won't be happy on my little dinghy, that's for sure.

H: Well, I don't get into those aspects of the date, but try to be more optimistic. I'm sure she'll love you like a rare piece of ham.

P: What does that mean?

H: If you can find it, grind it? Sorry, I was being fatuous. Listen, maybe you should see a movie instead.

P: Any suggestions?

H: Oh, I dunno. Grazing Arizona?