Wednesday, November 5, 2008

This week I have performed yet another matchmaking marvel. It was difficult choosing from the vast array of fascinating women in this week's profile, but I chose Rachel. Rachel writes:

Good oral and clean personal hygiene are a must.

My keen instincts led me to Bruce.

Bruce came out of the closet a couple of years ago and just kept right on walking into heterosexuality. Bruce is surprisingly clear and convincing about his decision to date women, and I think he is perfect for Rachel. I interviewed Bruce at his Fire Island loft.

Harvey: I must say, Bruce, your housekeeping habits put me to shame.

Bruce: Oh, you silly. As if I couldn't tell you were a slob by looking at you.

H: What?

B: When's the last time you polished the bottoms of your shoes, for Pete's sake?

H: You polish the bottoms of your shoes?
B: Oh my goodness. What if I were in an accident and had to be taken to the hospital?

H: I would think polishing the bottoms of your shoes would increase the likelihood.

B: OH! I just got that. Ooo, you're a sly one, you are. But funny, I like that.

H: Well, thanks.

B: Would you like to see the bathroom?

H: Excuse me?

B: Well you said cleanliness was very important to this woman you have for me, I thought you'd need to verify that. Very few men can clean a bathroom and make it truly clean. Except military men. They're trained. Plus, they can really scrub. All those muscles.

H: Oh, I don't think...

B: Would you excuse me for a moment? I am in desperate need of flossing. I had a glass of water just before you arrived and I think some is stuck between my teeth.

H: Gee, I'm kind of on a tight schedule, Bruce.

B: Of course. I understand.

H: So tell me Bruce, did you start out heterosexual and you're going back to it, or is this a new thing for you?

B: My goodness, this gunk between my teeth is really irritating.

H: From the water?

B: I'm very sensitive. No, this will be a first. But my last partner was such a pig. All men are pigs, don't you think?

H: Well, I...

B: You're a pig. Come on. You know it. Piggy piggy piggy.

H: How long ago did you and...

B: Charlie. About two years ago. I haven't really been out since. I used to go to Mickey's quite a bit. It's a mixed crowd. Before I came out of the closet I used to meet people there.

H: In the closet?

B: At Mickey's, silly. Harvey, one of your shoelaces is untied. Shall I tie it for you?

H: What? No. I'll do it.

B: OK, but try not to touch the carpet.

H: With my shoelace?

B: No, with your hands. They don't smell very clean.

H: You can sm...never mind.

B: Why don't you go wash up a little. The bathroom is the second door on the right, and the vacuum cleaner is in the corner.
H: Vacuum cleaner?

B: You do vacuum first, don't you?

H: Before I wash my hands?

B: You're just going to touch my soap with those hands?

H: You use a vacuum on your body?

B: It feels wonderful. I love my vacuum cleaner.

H: Yes, I can see you have a special attachment for it. Listen, Bruce. I think my work is done here. I'll be looking forward to hearing about your first date with Rachel.

B: You're leaving? With those hands?

H: I'd take yours, but how would you floss?

B: Well, it was wonderful for you to come all the way up from Atlanta, all dirty and everything. I'll get the mop for you.

H: You mean the door.

B: Yes, of course. Bye Harvey. Say hi to my dog on the way out. He's should be in the driveway about now.

H: What's his name?
B: Sparkle. That's him over there.

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